I am happy to report that we will be road testing the What Ifs outlined here. We are off to spend a few days in Lake Tahoe with Grandma and the cousins. Be back next week.

Share with us the What Ifs are you willing to explore?

Online Scheduling for Intuitive Consulting Sessions is open for business.
Image: Addie walking along Agate Beach in Bolinas, CA 2011 (iphone, hipstamatic)

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A friend asks: “How’s it going?”

My short Response: Great.

My longer Response: Great. The pregnancy is going well – only 10 weeks to go! Work is going great. I love my job as an intuitive consultant, love my clients and my intention for doubling my income in 2011 is right on track. My husband is a dreamboat and my daughter Addie is a delight – plus the best part – I have plenty of childcare this summer, a wonderful local vacation planned for the end of July, and I am saving well for maternity leave (my Taurus Moon loves having savings.) Great friends, family, love my community, my house, our lifestyle…honestly, things couldn’t be better.

My internal response: I feel bad about myself

Doesn’t that sound ridiculous? I think so. Which leads me to the other common phrase I have been using a lot to describe my current state of feeling = ugh. Somehow “ugh” just fits the bill. So why bother to share? Why not wait until I feel better, and consequently look better in the eyes of my readers, friends and clients? Because that is not how life is my friends <insert a double “ugh” here.> As I remind my clients daily, and as my friends & mentors remind me, the good news is that breakdown = breakthrough. That’s right. It’s very hard to grow yourself without a good healthy breakdown to lead the way. Like a snake, you have to shed some skin to allow the new form to take shape. <silent ugh>

Another reason why I am telling you now, rather than when I’ve figured it all out (post-solar eclipse), is that when we start talking about what is really going on with us, movement starts to happen and new pathways can start to open up. For myself, once I got tired enough of the ughy-hell-realm I was living inside of I scheduled a few sessions with my favorite healers (increased awareness with outside perspective), then I started doing a lot of process-based artwork around how I was feeling (externalizing my experience, moving it outside of my body/head) and this week I actually started sharing. Unfortunately, the person present when the “I-feel-bad-about-myself-dam broke was my OB/GYN at Kaiser – not the most comforting or productive experience – but in the end, it was good to let the feelings start to flow. And they flowed all day. Movement feels good.

So again, why did I feel comforted by Michele’s quote about what is being asked of us is balance… more heart and soul, less resistance? Because that is what it is really about. The mother-wound that has been in my face is this: Taking care of someone or something that I don’t want to take care of… but I have to pretend to care for, in order to be a good girl. <capitol UGH.> So how it is currently showing up in my life? Simply put, inability to accept where I am versus where I think I should be. Truth-telling time: I am not hyper-on-top-of-it-get-things-done-girl right now. I am 30-wks-pregnant, more-than-little-grumpy-about-the-body, magazine-minded-recluse-girl who is missing her “old self” who “ran around doing whatever she pleased.” And again, truth be told, that old self I am missing is based in fantasy, for when I was “running around” I was deeply longing to start my own family… and later, to have a second child. <Sigh> I’m tired of pretending.

For me, more heart and soul looks like telling the truth, simplifying my day, and not trying so hard to be/do more than I can easily manage in my current state. The image that pops up around my resistance to letting go looks like this: The boat is sinking under the weight of all the things I want to do/be/accomplish right now, and all the shoulds I have been holding on to. It’s time to stop pretending & make some choices… or go down with the ship. Shedding the old skin/behavior is not easy, in fact it’s incredibly scary but in order to develop trust in the Mystery, the unfolding pathways, one has to take risks, be vulnerable, ask for help and surrender <sigh.> There is no such thing as doing it alone. I am not meant to be Wonder Woman, but I can use her Lasso of Truth to tell my own. I am meant to be me.

What is one thing you have been holding on to, that you know you need to let go of? Can you take one small step in letting that thing go?

Image: One of my process paintings from a few years back

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My dear darling cautious (Capricorn) Addie Rose has been taking a lot of risks lately. She’s walking barefoot on the sand, getting in the water, eating new things, talking to people, and trying things that seem a little scary to her – like swinging on the new rope swing – it’s been so inspiring…. and quite honestly, brings a sigh of relief. As a mother, you naturally want your kid to do what other kids are doing AND it’s been rewarding to see that my deep commitment to letting Addie go at her own pace (and myself) not only feels right, but brings it’s own rewards. Addie is a confident, secure, happy monkey who is clear about her boundaries…. and is willing to take risks when it feels right for her. The truth is, we all eventually “get there” … wherever and whatever there might represent for us. And when we do, we know that we did it for ourselves.

If you weren’t busy pushing yourself to perform for others, what would you say yes or no to?

Note: I send waves of deep gratitude to Mary Swanson for first introducing me to this revolutionary idea 10 years ago. Giving myself permission to go at my own pace has changed my life in a million ways, and continues to open doors for me every day.

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As I struggled with “what to do” for my 40th birthday (since all my ideas did not include the fact that I am almost 5 months pregnant) I came to the realization that in 40 years, I have gotten myself to a pretty good place. The dreams I had worked so hard to manifest throughout my 30s had all come true, including being pregnant with my second daughter. So, with all the ups and downs that come with life, the Mystery has been very generous with me – beyond imagining. Thus, in gratitude and recognition, I decided to celebrate my birthday by consciously dedicating the next 40 years to the Goddess with the creation of a Goddess Garden. And the wheel began to turn…

To support this endeavor, I invited my dear friend and the ultimate magical garden creatrix to my house – Susan Skornicka. Honestly, we spent about 10 minutes of our time together in the backyard, but when she waves her magic arms – watch out. As usual, my “imagining” of the Goddess Garden was puny (half a planter box) and Susan opened up a whole new door filled with immense, magical possibility…. that included a place to sit and contemplate, do readings, chill and talk with friends, relax and enjoy the beauty of being outside. We would let the veggies have their planter back and I was going to dedicate an entire, mostly unused patio to the Goddess. Pandora’s Box was now officially open and my family was on a new journey. I will update you as the project completes… but let’s just say that a HUGE portion of the yard has been touched through this project. Even my husband, who is often reluctant to make changes when it comes to his garden had a great insight. He realized that he had been shrinking himself to “fit in” to the garden as it was, rather than make the changes that would create more space, light, practicality and yes, happiness for himself. <Sigh> Thank you Susan & thank the Goddess.

Where have you been shrinking yourself to fit in, rather than making the changes to create more space for growth and expansion?

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That title alone should give you a clue. When exactly is it the perfect time to:

write a blog post
clean my room
de-pile
complete my sewing project
update my altars
take a shower
find a book
take a nap
call Mary back
cancel plans
finish painting
renew driver’s license
be “on hold” with the ____ company
make a plan for my birthday

The sad truth is, there is no such thing as the Perfect Time and everybody knows it… and yet, we all wait. Wait to do what we know we need to do, want to do, have to do. Lately, I am having a lot more unpredictability around my schedule thus the Perfect Time seems farther away than usual. Besides having the awareness of the behavior pattern (procrastination, resistanace, etc.), I’ve had to come up with a solution to deal with my responsibilities during this unpredictable phase. I have to “break it down” into MUCH smaller steps. I do ONE thing, one tiny step on the project and then I let it go again. I shrink my “Big Plan” into smaller ones, and I simplify my life according to what I value most in the present tense. This last one is huge and takes true commitment because I like doing a lot of things that are not in alignment with my current priority which is to rest.

For example: Instead of missing my weekly blog posts as I did the last two weeks, I am going to commit to shorter ones. Instead of picking up all my piles, I am going to pick up one. Instead of vacuuming my entire house, I am going to vacuum my bedroom rug.

This week I am headed towards my 40th birthday this Wedensday, March 30th as the New Moon in Aries approaches this Sunday, April 3rd. I am feeling more like an adult than I ever have and I am actually loving it. Getting married, having a child, buying a house & reliable car… or replacing our washer and dryer did not make me LOVE being an adult. What made me feel like an adult and love this about myself was when I recently hired someone to help clean my house and I got more childcare. I felt that I was being a responsible adult, responsible for my own life and sanity… and that made me feel good on every level. Being an adult for me, is about being a good to friend to myself (practicing unconditional friendliness.) Now is the Perfect Time to be an adult in my own life and I love that I get to find out what that means for me… one small step at a time.

Check out: Unconditional Confidence by Pema Chodran. She is beyond awesome.
Image: My Spring altar on the family mantle. Rabbit print by Berkley Illustration

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I found this posting via an Astrologer’s blog that I follow (Molly Hall.) As an Intuitive Consultant I am familliar with accessing the Akashic records and channeling, but I haven’t pursued it much in my work. I found this reading on the energy of February fascinating and in alignment with the information that has been coming up in my intutive consulting sessions, as well as in my personal life. Below is just the beginning of the post, but she goes on to mention specific dates… challenges on Feb. 4-6, during which I had a doozy of a breakdown around control… and she mentions February 13th as a powerful day for intensified intuition. I am definitely going to put that on my calendar as a day to meditate. Check her out if you are interested in what you read below.

Akashic Records – February 2011, channeled by Jen Eramith MA

What energies and experiences can we expect in February 2011?

The energy of this month feels like you are being jerked forward.  It is very similar to the feeling of climbing onto a roller coaster and sitting down in your seat, buckling up and when the roller coaster first starts to move, it jerks you forward.  You might feel like you get pulled suddenly forward then yanked backward.  It is similar to the feeling of when a train starts moving.

Many of you may feel out of control this month, but actually you are not losing control.  The reason the Keepers give the metaphor of a roller coaster is to make sure you think of this in terms of fun.  When someone gets onto a roller coaster, it is almost always because they want to.  They think it will be fun.  This is similar to what you are doing here by living at this time on Planet Earth.

You are still alive here because you think it might be fun it you stick around. Read more.

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I joined a yearlong online book club for women exploring the Wild Woman archetype. We are reading Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ book Women Who Run with the Wolves (published in 1992.) My friend Jena Lindh is co-leading the group – Wild Women Story Gathering. (If you are interested in joining us, sign up here http://workingstories.ning.com/) The first month we are reading chapters 1 & 2, but I think you can join at any time because her book is more of a gathering of stories than it is a linear journey. I actually bought this book in the early 90′s and didn’t get very far. It’s a rich, poetic work that takes time and space to digest… and at that time, I wasn’t very connected to my deep, patient self. Eventually the book was shui-ed, and I haven’t thought about it much until recently. Over the last few years, through both my work as an artist and intuitive consultant, the importance of archetypes, stories and myths have been coming to the forefront in describing and exploring the human journey. From Joesph Campbell’s work, Marija Ginbutas, Starhawk, and the many varied interpretations of Goddess mythologies, to my love of fairy tales and old stories, the general themes are undeniably relevant. In these times of great change, it is important to learn how to connect with what is most important and vital within ourselves, as the form of our life continues to shift and change.

From Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D.

“The symbols of seed and bone are very similar. If one has the root stock, the basis, the original part, if one has the seed corn, any havoc can be repaired, devastations can be resown, fields can be rested, hard seed can be soaked to soften it, to help it break open and thrive.

To have the seed means to have the key of life. To be with the cycles of the seed means to dance with life, dance with death, dance into life again. This embodies the Life and Death Mother in her most ancient and principled form. Because she turns in these constant cycles, I call her the Life/Death/Life Mother.” (p30)

The Sun is in Capricorn and most of us are connected to the energy of organizing and feeling the urge to strip ourselves back to the bones to connect to what our lives are about this year. When I was introduced to the idea La Loba, the Wild Woman, the words I was hearing from the leader did not match the feelings and intuitions I was having about it. This was disconcerting for me. I perceived the leader as saying, what are the BONES that you must sing back to life, what have you forgotten that you need to reconnect with? I felt very confused. But after reading the introduction and first chapter of the book, I found the piece that was missing for me. It was not that something was missing or needed to be remembered. It was not that there was a wild self OUT THERE that I was meant to connect to. What connected with me, was the idea of the Wild Woman representing what is NATURAL and inherent in all women. In the world of being a healer and intuitive consultant, many describe their work as connecting you with your real self, your authentic self, your true self. Even though I have used those words myself at times, it always feels a bit off for me. But when I think about connecting to my natural self, the way I am meant to be, I relax. And that is what it is all about for me.

The other day I was talking to a client in session about the concept of relaxing. I find there is a misperception that to relax is to be lazy or not do anything. My own resistance to relaxing is rooted in this misperception because I love doing just as much as the next person. In fact, if someone (my husband) tells me to relax when I’m in a tiff, I go ape-shit… which is quite the opposite of relaxing. However, to relax does not mean to stop doing, expressing or being yourself. It means to let go of the tightness. Whether in the mind or body, to relax is to breathe and invite in some more spaciousness so we can entertain possibilities and release righteousness. It can bring us into the present so we can authentically respond to what is going on versus reacting to our perceived woes, rackets and unconscious stories. The dictionary describes relax as such:

- to become less tense, rigid, or firm.
- to become less strict or severe; grow milder.
- to reduce or stop work, effort, application, etc., esp. for the sake of rest or recreation.
- to release oneself from inhibition, worry, tension, etc.

And honestly, that is what it takes for me to even read this book. To let my mind and body relax and take in the information however it wants to speak to me. What if I stop fighting my natural cycles and honor where I am… as opposed to where I think I should be, for the Wild Woman is not located in the head. She is in the loins, the pelvis, warming her feet by the creative fire, in close proximity to her eggs. As Estes’ suggests in the quote above, can I relax enough to let my natural seeds soften so that they might sprout in the Springtime? I love my New Year’s Resolution.

Image

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In the past, I have had mixed feelings about new years resolutions because they are often based on something I would like to fix or change about myself. Coming from the approach that there is something wrong with me… is not inspiring enough to sustain me for an entire year. In fact, by the time we move out of the influence of steady Capricorn (Saturn: structure, goals, steps) and into the energy of rebellious Aquarius Jan. 20th (Uranus: provocateur, surprise, disruption, independence) we have fallen (or jumped) off the wagon.. perpetuating the story that we are bad and have no self-control. That’s no fun. And for me, if it’s not fun, it’s not sustainable.

So this year, when my husband and I found ourselves pondering what we would like our new years resolutions to be, we were clear that our goals had to be reflective of this understanding – FUN is #1. Making a New Years’ Resolution that is fun AND supports our own happiness will go farther than any rules we could make to control/fix/change ourselves. So for my husband, he promised to go flyfishing once a month for 2011. As a couple, we promised to go on one adventure date a month, adventure = active. (As parents of a young one, we tend to do lazy dates which don’t do much in the way of generating relationship SO we are now going hiking, checking out someplace new, leaving town, moving around, etc.) For myself, running is my passion. I’m not a crazy runner, but I do love it and consistent running balances my mental state more effectively than anything else I have experienced. I’m not sure what my promise is around running yet, but I will be figuring that out within the month. For now, I am committed to 4 days a week.

BEYOND RESOLUTIONS

This is my real ritual for the New Year. I create a New Year’s Collage that focuses on general themes rather than specifics, starting with the question: What would I like to experience in 2011? I also love Michele Lessirard’s approach of creating a Vision Board from New Moon Journal that is updated in the Spring. If you are interested in what 2011 looks like from the astrological perspective,  I enjoyed Maurice Fernandez’s outlook for 2011 where he strongly encourages us to

“utilize the energy of the first months of 2011, particularly from the end of January until the end of June, to step out of your comfort zone and advance your life. Despite economic strain and collective insecurities, it is a time to step out and conquer life. If you want to promote a new project, embark on a journey, or break free from unfulfilling life conditions, this will be a time to dismantle the shackles—this is your time!”

The Altar for the Month of January is the New Year’s Altar. You can check out more about it by clicking the image below. Time for dreaming friends. <yawn>

Image: Adventure Date on a Winter Beach, Incline Village NV, Dec.26, 2010

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I wrote this letter to a friend today:

“Dear ____, I won’t be able to attend tonight but please know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE  you. I couldn’t mention why when I bumped into you because honestly… I keep forgetting the why. The why being – my dad died 4 years ago tomorrow (nov. 11) and the anniversary is an intense time of remembering and forgetting. Why forgetting? because I keep forgetting why I feel so spacy or sad or why my birth family is acting weird or touchy. Truthfully, the only thing I want to do is play with my daughter, rest, putz around and eat ice cream. So, that’s what I am doing. I hope to see you again soon, because I love seeing you and your lovely family. xoxox heather”

Note to Self: It’s important to remember what you are forgetting.

What do you need to remember right now?

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I did an Intuitive Consulting Session for a friend recently. Beyond the normal challenges of daily life, she is struggling with the health care choices her parents are making in regards to their treatment. Needless to say, they aren’t making any of their adult children happy.

Once we get over the shock that this is happening to us, we have an opportunity to heal. As corny as that sounds, breakdowns are the gateways to breakthroughs. Some might even say, the bigger the breakdown, the bigger the breakthrough. Hey, there’s got to be some silver lining here some place, right?

As we were working together in the intuitive session, an image/phrase kept appearing that I could not figure out, so I shared it will my friend. It said – Truth is the Nut. We started investigating the symbol of the nut (as we explored the relationship with her father) – nuts are hard to crack, you are going to go nuts, a crazy person is a nut, etc. We both felt the compulsion to get inside the nut, but that was going no where. Then we took a step back and thought about the strange wording – Truth is the Nut. There are many ways you could interpret that, but for us a giant light bulb went off. Can we love the NUTS in our life? Can we love the people (aka The Nuts) just as they are and just as they aren’t? Can we love our crazy friends, family, children as the NUTS that they are, without having them conform to our version of reality in the hopes that we might feel more comfortable and in control? And as my friend pointed out, can we love our self – a NUT to someone else, certainly? The answer for her was a resounding “Yes. I can love a nut.” And I thought, “wow, so can I.”

Can you love a NUT? Who is the NUT in your life? Can you stop trying to crack them open or change them? What a relief that might be.

Image: I was so inspired by the session that I made a bunch of nuts for my altar. I plan on passing them out to my friends and family.

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