A friend asks: “How’s it going?”

My short Response: Great.

My longer Response: Great. The pregnancy is going well – only 10 weeks to go! Work is going great. I love my job as an intuitive consultant, love my clients and my intention for doubling my income in 2011 is right on track. My husband is a dreamboat and my daughter Addie is a delight – plus the best part – I have plenty of childcare this summer, a wonderful local vacation planned for the end of July, and I am saving well for maternity leave (my Taurus Moon loves having savings.) Great friends, family, love my community, my house, our lifestyle…honestly, things couldn’t be better.

My internal response: I feel bad about myself

Doesn’t that sound ridiculous? I think so. Which leads me to the other common phrase I have been using a lot to describe my current state of feeling = ugh. Somehow “ugh” just fits the bill. So why bother to share? Why not wait until I feel better, and consequently look better in the eyes of my readers, friends and clients? Because that is not how life is my friends <insert a double “ugh” here.> As I remind my clients daily, and as my friends & mentors remind me, the good news is that breakdown = breakthrough. That’s right. It’s very hard to grow yourself without a good healthy breakdown to lead the way. Like a snake, you have to shed some skin to allow the new form to take shape. <silent ugh>

Another reason why I am telling you now, rather than when I’ve figured it all out (post-solar eclipse), is that when we start talking about what is really going on with us, movement starts to happen and new pathways can start to open up. For myself, once I got tired enough of the ughy-hell-realm I was living inside of I scheduled a few sessions with my favorite healers (increased awareness with outside perspective), then I started doing a lot of process-based artwork around how I was feeling (externalizing my experience, moving it outside of my body/head) and this week I actually started sharing. Unfortunately, the person present when the “I-feel-bad-about-myself-dam broke was my OB/GYN at Kaiser – not the most comforting or productive experience – but in the end, it was good to let the feelings start to flow. And they flowed all day. Movement feels good.

So again, why did I feel comforted by Michele’s quote about what is being asked of us is balance… more heart and soul, less resistance? Because that is what it is really about. The mother-wound that has been in my face is this: Taking care of someone or something that I don’t want to take care of… but I have to pretend to care for, in order to be a good girl. <capitol UGH.> So how it is currently showing up in my life? Simply put, inability to accept where I am versus where I think I should be. Truth-telling time: I am not hyper-on-top-of-it-get-things-done-girl right now. I am 30-wks-pregnant, more-than-little-grumpy-about-the-body, magazine-minded-recluse-girl who is missing her “old self” who “ran around doing whatever she pleased.” And again, truth be told, that old self I am missing is based in fantasy, for when I was “running around” I was deeply longing to start my own family… and later, to have a second child. <Sigh> I’m tired of pretending.

For me, more heart and soul looks like telling the truth, simplifying my day, and not trying so hard to be/do more than I can easily manage in my current state. The image that pops up around my resistance to letting go looks like this: The boat is sinking under the weight of all the things I want to do/be/accomplish right now, and all the shoulds I have been holding on to. It’s time to stop pretending & make some choices… or go down with the ship. Shedding the old skin/behavior is not easy, in fact it’s incredibly scary but in order to develop trust in the Mystery, the unfolding pathways, one has to take risks, be vulnerable, ask for help and surrender <sigh.> There is no such thing as doing it alone. I am not meant to be Wonder Woman, but I can use her Lasso of Truth to tell my own. I am meant to be me.

What is one thing you have been holding on to, that you know you need to let go of? Can you take one small step in letting that thing go?

Image: One of my process paintings from a few years back

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I am excited to share with you the next installation of my Morning Routinue ritual post (part 2), however I have not been able to type it out. Having a family, while also being pregnant, is unpredictable to say the least. Many times I wanted to work on it and was unable to “get away”… and sometimes DURING my worktime, I had to sleep because my pregnant body said “that’s enough – go lie down.” So with all the whoo-hah of last week and the return of the beloved Easter Bunny… Part 2 is still in the works. For now, you can check out or review Ritual: Morning Routine Part 1 from last weeks post or explore the new Bookstore I am creating for Build Altars. Lots of Magical new things in the works.

See you again soon,
Love heather

Image: Addie, ready for the egg hunt, game face is ON!

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Modanna Inn, San Luis Obispo

Time for a little Garden Party hopping! Get social, hob-nob, share ideas, explore your options. It’s time to access your mad genius, inner shapeshifter.

“Gemini is the magician that takes the bits of life and, with humor and a wily attitude, transforms them into an original mosaic.” – molly hall

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handmade doll by Heather Bleasdell

On this day 10 million people visit the Basilica in Mexico to honor Mary. She represents love, compassion, motherly care of children, the universal promise of help and protection to all people, miracles, cures & interventions. The origin of the Arab word, Guadalupe is the ‘River of Love’…for others it means ‘River of Wolves’ and the Nahuatl word Cuatlaxopeuh signifies: ‘She Who stepped on the Serpent.’ YES!

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Be a Luminary! Leo inspires acts of creativity that emerge from the heart of the Self. That makes this new Moon an ideal time to set intentions that re-energize your inner artist.

Leo Themes: making time for play; fanning the creative flames; standing in your personal power; celebrating your unique story; going on an adventure; radiating confidence to be Big; taking delight in something; risking growth through creativity; stepping into leadership; passionate love and friendship; laughing out loud (for real).

If you let the part of you that longs to create out of the closet….even more, what would you let yourself do, be, have, try?

For me…..I would paint on Large Canvases, very very large painting surfaces. I would also sculpt figures and deck out the new art studio in amazing supplies. How are about you?

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